fbpx

How to Clean your Butthole after Assholes have Hoarded all the Toilet Paper

Bottle Bidet

I live in Madagascar, where there’s usually toilet paper in public restrooms, but I’ve learned to have a Plan B. (In fact, many public restrooms are pre-equipped for Plan B. )

I’m in the USA right now, experiencing how my people – Americans – are reacting to the coronavirus scare. (Not well.)

People are hoarding supplies – toilet paper and bottled water in particular. It’s weird, irrational, and a little sociopathic.

Having lived and traveled in Africa; having camped; having poorly planned for pooptime many times, around the world, I have a very particular set of skills.

And you could have these skills too. In fact, you probably have the most important of these skills already.

No more shit tickets. What now?

You’ve emptied your last water bottle, and you’ve used your last square of toilet paper.

Okay. You know how to clean your own poop shoot when you take a shower, don’t you? Good. You’re already past the hard part – touching that wet leather cheerio with your fingers. This builds on what you do already. Think of it as a little shower just for your bunghole.

Instructions:

  1. Fill that empty water bottle from the tap – preferably before you bomb Swirl Harbor. Take it with you to the throne.
  2. Go boom boom, as usual.
  3. With your favorite hand, reach behind your back with that water bottle. Lean forward a little, and slowly pour that water on your tailbone. (Note: This will not work in zero-gravity. Sorry, astronauts.)
  4. With your second-most favorite hand, do what you always do in the shower when you wash the chocolate starfish.

That’s it. Easy as shit.

Now wash your hands.

Wash them very well. Wash them as though they’ve been direct contact with a dookie, because…

You might find that your keister is a little wet. If you are at home, you can blot it with a hand towel. If you are out and about, you may have to air dry.

Bonus: My BM at the EDBM (Sketch)

Recently I was at a government office in Madagascar – the EDBM – and I needed to leave a deposit, if you know what I mean.

I had to ask for a key to the restroom. A key! This got my hopes up that this was going to be one of the nicer poop salons in the country.

I was wrong. I’ve seen worse, believe me. But there was no toilet paper.

For a second I was worried. Then I scanned the room.

EDBM Bathroom
The bureaucratic bottle bidet
©2020 Ted Johnson

What a relief. There were three or four empty water bottles lying around. Because we have to look out for each other, people.


Further Study:

  • If you really want to see how it’s done, this video from SierraDesigns Gear demonstrates (with clothes on) the “backcountry bidet” – basically the same as described above, but without the toilet.
  • For an in-the-bathroom scenario, this video almost shows how to use a tabo, a biggish handheld cup (rather than a old bottle) which they apparently prefer to toilet paper in the Philippines.
  • And because toilet paper is not the norm everywhere, Wikipedia has a page on Anal hygiene practices around the world. Of course it does.

1 comment

  1. Anonymous this time Reply
    June 8, 2020 at 5:46 am

    Thanks.

Leave A Comment

Please be polite. We appreciate that. Your email address will not be published and required fields are marked

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.